breast case scenario...

Yesterday I went to my OB with concerns of lumpy tissue in my boobs. I noticed it a few weeks ago. It feels like a walnut-sized mass behind each nipple. After an exam of my right boob my doctor tried to put me at ease saying that this was all completely normal after breastfeeding and that my body is just adjusting. Then she felt my left boob. She noticed a dense area of tissue that seemed different than the rest. I'm convinced she knows how crazy I am, like somewhere on my chart it has a big red 'nutcase' written in the notes. Anyway, she said she believes that it is probably a cyst or duct that just hadn't been completely emptied. Either way she wanted me to get an ultrasound just to be safe.

I left fearful and sad. I spent the night thinking about the ultrasound and what it could mean. Please know I understand that I'm completely ridiculous to automatically assume the worst but it's hard not to have that hanging over your head. This morning as Aaron left for work I told him how scared I was and then started to cry. I composed myself enough to get Nathan up and ready to take to my mom's house. On the way there I barely thought of it, until I looked in the mirror at that baby's face. Again, cue the tears.

So fast forward to today-I'm sitting here in a cold hospital room all by myself waiting for the nurse to call my name. The wall behind me is covered with pictures of survivors and their mammogram images. This is my worst nightmare. I can't stop thinking crazy thoughts. Being a hypochondriac pretty much ruins any chance of me having a normal doctor visit. Even with the encouraging words of my doctor, I still jump to worse case scenario-cancer. 

The tech let me know that my tissue was extremely dense and she wasn't able to see anything of alarm. Not cysts, abbesses or tumors. She called the radiologist in to watch her doing the ultrasound not just the photos. He said that there was nothing of concern that he could see at this time and that my body was freshly out of pregnancy and it takes a while for it to get back to normal. More than that, if something was there they would have probably been able to see it no matter how dense. I was sent away with a 'keep and eye on it' speech. 

I am relieved but extremely cautious. I have never really done monthly self-exams. Obviously, that's going to change. I have never hugged Aaron or Nathan tighter than today.

*Lu